


Hate You, Love You

by Gautiers



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, F/M, Lots of Angst, Love/Hate, but doesn't fall between his supports for byleth, kind of takes place during the war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 10:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20673713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gautiers/pseuds/Gautiers
Summary: Sylvain Jose Gautier wanted to hate his professor desperately. And at first, he did. He hated that she had lived most of her life free from the idea and inheritance of Crests and those born with them. To him, she was the embodiment of everything he had ever wanted: a life free of the expectations, the shame, the hate, and the lies. In the eyes of others, she was merely Byleth.She was just herself.And Sylvain hated her for it.





	Hate You, Love You

**Author's Note:**

> this is reflective of sylvain's supports with byleth. i kind of delved into the idea of him hating her for being free of what crests symbolized, and then him falling in love with her because it, and then hating her again because of her disappearance for the past five years. i may or may not do a second chapter to give this a happier end, but i'm kinda liking it like this.
> 
> this is largely unrevised and unedited. please excuse any typos or mistakes...i'm just a really lazy writer lol. i hope you guys enjoy the angst

Sylvain Jose Gautier wanted to hate his professor desperately. And at first, he did. He hated that she had lived most of her life free from the idea and inheritance of Crests and those born with them. To him, she was the embodiment of everything he had ever wanted: a life free of the expectations, the shame, the hate, and the lies. In the eyes of others, she was merely Byleth. 

She was just herself.

And Sylvain hated her for it. 

Then the year went on, and she displayed herself to be an amazing fighter and a determined professor. No matter how cruel he became, no matter how stupid of a mistake he made on the battlefield, she forgave him and instructed him, and he grew in ways he hadn’t in all his years prior at the Academy. How could he hate this woman for being as selfless as she was? She had left all she had known, was thrust into a bizarre situation, and became a professor even though he knew she must have wanted to continue as a mercenary. She treated all students fairly, regardless if they were Crest-born or not. 

In all honesty, she was a near perfect woman in his eyes. He hadn't really noticed until the end of the professor's first year, but he naturally kept her in his field of vision more often than not, and plenty of times teased her about becoming her own personal knight to fend off students with less than proper intentions.

She had laughed every time, and Sylvain was struck by how soft and sweet it was. Was it a spell she was casting? Was she familiar with black magic? Well, it didn't matter, did it? He was already enraptured, so why not go with it?

Their meetings became more and more frequent, and Sylvain began having trouble discerning the newfound feelings he'd been noticing whenever he was around her. Surely, it wasn't love. He'd promised to himself that he would never marry, to spare this future fictitious child of a life full of lies and deceit. So what was this anxiousness, this irrationality, this desire?

And then the War began, and she was gone. No one knew where she was or if she was still alive. Her body was never recovered, and Sylvain lost himself. He realized a little too late that he was in love, and he grieved -- for her, and a love that could never come to be. 

The first year was difficult, unbelievably so. The Blue Lion house had lost their rock, and with the turmoil of war and fighting former classmates, they all were forced to separate. He lost touch with nearly everyone, save for the few occasional letters from Ingrid, and even those had been short and sparse.

Everything was hopeless. 

He needed guidance, yet there was no one to guide him. So he began blaming. He blamed himself for not being strong enough to help keep everyone together. He blamed Dimitri for his never ending quest for revenge and dragging everyone with him. He blamed Byleth for leaving them in their hour of need. 

He wanted to hate her, really, truly. It would make the ache of missing her less, stop him from seeing her in his dreams and wishing with every fiber of his being that he had the chance to tell her what he felt. Sometimes he’d catch a brief whiff of something that smelled like her, and his breathing would seize in an instant. There were times he wished that if he turned around, she’d be there, smiling softly at him, telling him he had done well while she was gone.

Years passed and it became easier to think of her less. It was what he wanted. She was as good as dead now. If she truly were alive, she would be there with him, with them. Never in his wildest dreams could he imagine her right before him, looking as ethereal and pristine as he remembered her.

She was alive, and he was  _ furious _ .

•.°•.○.•°.•

It was clear to Byleth that Sylvain wanted nothing to do with her. He no longer met her gaze with those honeyed eyes of his; instead, he smiled derisively whenever she attempted to speak with him and gave her the cold shoulder. She knew he was hurt -- all her former students were. Some were kinder after she explained what had happened, and others thought she was lying, though, she couldn’t blame them. Even she thought this had to have been some kind of cruel trick. Five years had indeed passed, even though to her, it had only felt like five minutes. 

“How are you doing, Professor?”

Gilbert was one of very few who accepted her story wholeheartedly and bore no resentment. His hair was greyer than she remembered, its red color faded in years gone by. There were more wrinkles to his face, and his eyes betrayed the heavy toll this war had on him.

She sighed softly, fiddling with the drawstrings of her bag. “I’m okay.” 

In the corner of her vision, she spotted another head of darker red hair, automatically turning towards him and watching as Sylvain conversed easily with Ingrid and Felix. Her body ached to be with him, but he had made his feelings clear -- that he had no feelings for her at all. Not anymore. 

“Give him time,” Gilbert murmured, resting a reassuring hand on Byleth’s shoulder. “The past five years have not been easy for any of us.”

She tore her eyes from him, ignoring the burning in the back of her throat. “Thank you, Gilbert.”

“I will gather the students and His Highness. We will depart shortly.”

Shaking her head, Byleth continued to pack her belongings. This was no time to think about her petty feelings. She had lost five years while everyone else had been fighting and struggling. Her feelings were not necessary or needed...even when they were telling her otherwise. 

Everyone gathered at Gilbert's call and they began on their next mission.

Gilbert had bartered with some locals to gather supplies, gold, and allies necessary for the rebuilding of Garreg Mach. Their quest was to get rid of the beasts occupying the Valley of Tears, a major waterway that had formerly contributed to a large network of trade within the region. If they could clear the beasts, then they would have alliances from the towns and cities that bordered the valley.

Byleth had studied the terrain long and hard, noting the rolling hills left little places to hide from the beasts should the occasion call for it. In addition, a thick fog was beginning to roll in from the north, making fighting even more difficult with such low visibility. While splitting up into two groups would expedite this process, it would be unsafe to travel with such few numbers, especially with the weather conditions as they were. 

“We will fight as one group,” Byleth reiterated. “Straying will increase your chances of being gravely injured, and I refuse to have any of you die on me today. Remember, these are beasts and are much stronger and more brutish than humans. Be careful.”

The valley was eerily quiet, even as they stealthily trekked through the fog and slick grass. Large shapes eased their way in and out of the mist like lost souls in the realm of the dead.

Felix raised a hand and stopped everyone from advancing. “Up ahead.”

A large figure lurked before them, it’s soft grunting and heavy footsteps making everyone stand on edge. Byleth motioned for Annette, Mercedes, and Ashe to take up position a ways away from the beast, preparing for distant attack after Felix, Sylvain, Dimitri, and Gilbert's initial encounter. Ingrid took to the skies to scout ahead for what was to come.

With a thunderous roar, the beast swung blindly with long, sharp claws after Dimitri had slashed out its eyes. Annette and Mercedes reigned and contained it with their spells, while Ashe aimed for its legs with his arrows. 

Gilbert came from behind and swung with his mighty axe, landing a hit before being kicked cruelly by the monster's hind legs. Meanwhile, Dimitri and Felix engaged from the front, nimbly dodging what ferocious swings they could, to create an opening for Sylvain to deal the finishing blow. With a forceful thrust of his lance, he pierced the soft underbelly of the beast and effectively ended its life.

"That's one down," he panted, wiping the sweat from his brow, "Only who knows how many more to go."

In the distance, more demonic beasts roared, alert for the arrival of intruders. Their footfalls thundered in the distance and once again, everyone assumed their positions. Overhead, Ingrid called out, "Professor, there are two heading towards us right now, but I found a traveler and his daughter cornered in an abandoned house just up ahead with another beast!"

Byleth was alarmed. "Travelers? I thought no one ventured here!"

This was not good. They would have their hands full with the two beasts headed their way, and by the time they made it to the travelers, it could be too late. In this situation, Byleth depended on their strength in numbers, so dispatching a couple of themselves was not an option. 

At least, not until Sylvain forced it to become an option. 

"I'll go help the travelers," he declared, readying his lance and preparing to take off. 

Byleth grabbed his arm and shook her head. "You're going to get yourself and those people killed, Sylvain. We'll take care of the beasts here first, and --"

"Let those people die?" He scoffed, swatting away her grip as though she were a pest. "I'm not going to abandon them while there's something I can still do,  _ Professor _ ."

The comment was an underhanded jab; she felt it, and it hurt knowing that that was how he still viewed things. 

"Go, Professor," Dimitri ordered after Sylvain had left. "We can handle these abominations on our own." 

"Professor, before you go," Mercedes took Byleth's hand in hers, and the Professor felt a wash of warmth throughout her body, "A spell for strength and safety."

"Be safe!" Ashe chimed in, offering a small smile. 

"Don't die," Felix grumbled.

"We'll see you in a bit!" Annette chirped.

Their trusting gazes were more than enough to fuel Byleth, and she quickly followed Sylvain into the fog. 

•.°•.○.•°.•

“Sylvain, wait!”

Goddess, of all the people to come with him. He would rather have taken Dimitri’s brooding and bloodlust than having Byleth near. She confused him, threw his feelings into disarray, and right when he wanted to forget her, she came back as beautiful as ever. His heart was a traitor he wished he could kill.

“Please, Sylvain, can’t we talk?”

“Talk?” He rounded on her, his voice a sharp hiss and his eyes narrowed slits. “I have no desire to talk, Professor. In fact, I don’t think there’s anything to  _ talk _ about.”

He knew his words hurt her; he could see it in her eyes, clear as glass. But this was for the better. He was tired and drained, and no longer wanted to deal with his tumultuous feelings. So what better time to nip things in the bud?

“You may not have anything to say, but  _ I  _ do.”

He forgot how tenacious she could be.

“Sylvain, I can see why you’ve been upset with me, but I also want you to understand that if I could have come back sooner, I would have.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Because I  _ couldn’t _ ! Shortly after the war began, I had fallen off a cliff and fell unconscious. It had only felt like five minutes, but when I woke up,  _ five years _ had passed. I came back to the monastery without knowing if anyone survived.”

He knew that. He knew this was as hard on her as it was for anyone else, but this anger he’d been holding onto for the past five years, he just couldn’t let go. It was what he had known all these years, what had made it easier to go on living and surviving when it felt like everything around him was burning to the ground. 

Byleth grabbed his hand and stopped him. “Sylvain, I -- !”

The shrill shriek of a child pierced the air, interrupting and causing them both to go on alert. Running towards the sound of the cry, Byleth and Sylvain brandished their weapons and immediately leapt into the fray. The abandoned house was nearly torn in two, with a man covering his small daughter with his body, becoming her shield as the beast roared menacingly. 

Sylvain was first to attack, slashing the monster’s side with his lance and ducking nearly immediately to avoid a lash of tail. Byleth followed, leaping onto its back and stabbing deeply with her sword. As it thrashed about, she called out to him, “Get those people to safety!”

Without a second thought, he ran to the travelers and began ushering them away from the ruined building. The man and daughter thanked him tearfully, grateful for his presence.

“Of course,” he reassured, “I’m glad we were able to make it in time. There’s a village about an hour’s walk south of here. Wait until the fog clears, then head to them. We’ll have this valley cleared for travel in no time.”

After ensuring they were safe, Sylvain returned to Byleth’s side and noting cuts and bruises that hadn’t been there before. She was breathing heavily and holding onto her side. The beast was also panting hard, growling at the pair as if it would scare them away.

“The travelers are safe,” Sylvain reported in, deflecting a paw aimed for his head. “You rest, I’ll hold this thing off until the others can get here.”

Byleth shook her head adamantly and tightened her grip on her sword. “Absolutely not. If we do this right, we can still beat this thing on our own.”

“And how do you propose we do that?”

The professor’s eyes flitted to something beyond the monster. “We run for the quarry over there and use the rocks to our advantage.” 

Sylvain stared at her. “Are you sure? You  _ do _ realize we run the risk of running into more beasts there, right?”

“Would you rather die here?”

Well, no, he supposed not. 

“Okay, fine. We’ll run for the quarry then.” 

When the opportunity arose, they split up and ran on either side, making their way to the quarry as the beast followed in pursuit. Large pillars of rocks rose from the ground like looming deities, and the duo used them as cover for the time being to recuperate. 

Sylvain turned to Byleth and eyed where she clutched at her side. “Let me see. I still have a vulnerary left.”

She shook her head and winced at the motion. “You keep it, just in case. I’ll be fine.”

“You need it more than I do.”

“I’ll be  _ fine _ , Sylvain. Really, I -- Goddess,  _ watch out _ !”

An all too familiar howl sounded above them. Sylvain’s world suddenly whirled around as Byleth shoved him out of the way, and their cover exploded into a million pieces. Pebbles showered all around him as his ears rang and his vision spun. 

_ Byleth _ .

Struggling to focus, he looked around frantically for the Professor, only to find her body limp and unmoving some feet away. Her name sounded hoarse in his throat as he called for her, but she did not stir. Panic began to settle in, and Sylvain could feel his heart sinking to his feet.  _ Oh, Goddess, no _ .

“ _ BYLETH _ !”

•.°•.○.•°.•

When Byleth regained consciousness, her entire body was in pain. She moaned pathetically, attempting to shift her body but gasping sharply when stabbing pain ripped through her side. “Goddess Almighty,” she hissed, splinting her side to sit up. 

“P-Professor, you shouldn’t be getting up on your own!”

Mercedes put her tray down with a loud clatter and immediately ran to Byleth’s side to support her. “If you strain yourself too much right now, you can re-open your wounds. Even my magic has its limitations, Professor.”

Byleth smiled weakly and let her eyes slide shut. “Thank you, Mercedes. I’m okay. Sylvain and the rest of you -- are you all…?”

“We’re all well,” the healer reassured, smiling and handing her a cup of water. “Dimitri came back a little worse for wear in comparison to the others, but that was something to be expected. Sylvain was shaken, but not badly hurt. Would you like me to call him for you?”

For a moment, Byleth was relieved that he hadn’t been badly injured, but her heart sank as she remembered just how much he wanted to avoid her. Of course, should she request his presence, he would come, but…

Shaking her head, she leaned back against the pillows Mercedes had propped behind her. “It’s okay. He wouldn’t want to see me, anyways.” 

“Professor…”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to rest for awhile longer, Mercedes.”

“Y-Yes, right, of course. Please, don’t hesitate to call for me if your pain gets worse!”

After the door closed, Byleth finally let go of the longing sigh she’d been holding. Her heart ached to see Sylvain again, to continue their conversation, but her mind knew better than to pursue him. After all, he’d made it clear many times over that he wanted nothing to do with her. She must seem pathetic in his eyes, and that thought made her feel even worse than she already did.

Letting the sun warm her skin, she closed her eyes, and drifted off again into a dreamless sleep.

•.°•.○.•°.•

“Any word on how the Professor’s doing?”

Sylvain’s question was an innocent one aimed at Mercedes, who was busy gathering herbs from the monastery’s garden. However, she ignored him completely, continuing to harvest the herbs and collecting them in her basket. 

“You can’t keep avoiding me forever, Mercy.” 

And he was right, she couldn’t avoid him forever. However, she was a terrible liar, and wanted to honor the Professor’s request for time alone. 

“Is she awake?”

“I cannot answer that.”

“Then is she still unconscious?”

“I cannot answer that, Sylvain.”

“Is she dead?”

“Of course not! Honestly, if you’re so curious, just visit her yourself instead!”

“I...can’t.”

Mercedes eyed him disdainfully. “It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t. You’re surprisingly a bigger coward than I thought.”

She wasn’t wrong. When it came to the things that mattered, he was usually the coward. And when it came to Byleth, he was always the coward. It was disgusting, really. Why couldn’t he be more like her and face his fears head on? Why couldn’t he be more willing to reach out, to take fate into his own hands?

When she was struck by the beast in the quarry, when she was unresponsive and severely injured, he fought like a madman. He’d never been so scared or so angry. By the time he returned to his body, the monster was dead, and Byleth was still unmoving. 

The rest of the group met up with him, and Mercedes and Annette did their best to stabilize her wounds, but she was still unconscious by the time they returned to Garreg Mach. Mercedes worked into the night to make sure Byleth was still breathing in the morning, and Sylvain had been ever grateful for her skill and devotion to her craft.

It had been nearly a week since then, and Byleth was sure to have been awake and well now.

He paced the monastery all day, debating with the idea of going to see her. What would he say? The last time they spoke, he hadn’t been kind to her. He hadn’t been kind to her at all since she returned. To try and act kind to her now after being so spiteful...it felt selfish and wrong. Childish. Ugly.

He eventually found himself standing in front of the door to her quarters. He found out earlier that she had been transferred out of the infirmary after going there and finding absolutely no one in any of the beds. He had mustered all of his courage to see her, only to be forced to summon all that courage a second time. Perhaps this was karma. Or perhaps this was a sign? That maybe he shouldn’t be doing this at all. 

“Who’s out there?” Her soft voice floated from beyond the door.

Or not. He could still leave though. Pretend this never happened. She’d never know it was him standing at her door like a fool seeking her forgiveness.

The door opened and her jade eyes found his in an instant.

He guessed not.

“Sylvain?”

She was still so beautiful. The air stood still in his lungs and was stuck in his throat. He could feel that same burning in his chest from all those years ago, smoldering away in his heart until it became an inferno. Oh Goddess, he was still so in love with her.

“Can I do something for you?” Her voice was polite, cold. She sounded just like she did when she first became a professor.

Sylvain stumbled for words. He hadn’t thought this far, thought about what he would say or do. Was he supposed to apologize first, or explain why he’d been an arse? Did he stand there like an idiot, or ask if he could come inside? And what if she told him no? What if she didn’t want to talk to him at all? 

“Sylvain.”

“I’m sorry.”

A look of surprise crossed her face before she hid behind the stoic mask she wore so well. “For what?”

“For...hurting you, to start.”

And for a lot of things. For being a terrible human being. For losing faith. For not trusting her. For being cruel when he should have listened. For being selfish and still being in love with her despite all he’d done. He couldn’t apologize enough.

Byleth sighed, her eyes betraying her inner conflict and uncertainty. “You...don’t have to apologize. I understand why you were upset.”

“No, I don’t think you do.”

He gestured to the inside of her quarters, and she allowed him in, crossing her arms and staying the full length of the room away from him. It wasn’t hard to see she was trying to guard herself against him. Realizing that made him feel disgusting. The last person he wanted her to guard against was him, and look where he was.

“I was -- am -- being childish,” he murmured softly, his voice nothing but humility. “It wasn’t fair of me to blame you for anything. You couldn’t have done anything about what happened. I just -- it made it easier. To cope, that is.”

It felt as if he were tearing himself open and letting his feelings bleed out in front of her. His face burned with shame, his stomach was in knots and weighed like a ton of lead. 

“And as it is now, me coming here to apologize and ask for your forgiveness isn’t fair either. It’s pure selfishness on my part, and I don’t expect you to  _ not  _ be angry with me. I just hope in the near future, you’d find it in your heart to forgive me.”

For the longest time, Byleth was silent. The only thing Sylvain could hear was the pounding of blood in his ears and his own shallow breaths. 

“Okay,” was the only word she uttered.

He could feel his shame compounding as he stood there, frozen. He supposed a part of him did expect Byleth to forgive him, largely because he was aware of her feelings towards him. But she stood before him with a blank expression, no feelings exposed in her large, glassy eyes.

Sylvain chuckled derisively at his own foolishness, embarrassed. “I guess that’s my cue to go.” Turning on the balls of his feet, he stepped to the door before stopping one last time. “Byleth? I --”

_ I love you _ . 

The words were caught in his throat. It wasn’t the right time, and it wasn’t fair to her. As much as he wanted to confess to her everything in his heart, he’d wait until he had her trust again, until he could prove he was a worthy man for her. He’d wait until she was ready.

“Sorry, never mind.”


End file.
